*** Musician Jokes ***

Welcome to the Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes...
No instrument, musician or music style is sacred here... Special thanks to Sheldon Wong of Mountain Group Audio and Rick Rosen of the Rick Rosen Marketing Group for helping to get this whole thing started ...and to all who have contributed ...

There may be some duplicates here, but if you know any Musician Jokes that we don't already have .. e-mail them to us and we will add them ...

Politically incorrect, off color, slightly suggestive and moderate bathroom humor will all be tolerated .. but the X, XX, XXX stuff is not for here .. your 7 year old twin sisters have to be able to look at this page without getting into trouble...

Enjoy ... Dr.Duck

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.


~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."


What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.



~Dr.Ducks Guitar Prescription Radio Show~ **Attn: Guitar Enthusiast ... If you would like Dr. Ducks Guitar Prescription Radio Show to play in your area ... Please contact your local College / Non Profit Radio Station .. ask them to carry the show and tell them Syndication is Immediately Available in Most Areas ... Thanks .. Rock On .. Dr.Duck

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)

How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?
He doesn,t know how to work the slide and he can,t swing!

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.


~Wedding Band Requests~

Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:

-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.

-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.

-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.

-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The
Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.

-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.

We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don't be late!

Mr. and Mrs. Snovly


A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!


C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.


What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.


A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."

 

 

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."


This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."

To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing"

.At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.

He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.

He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he lover it.

Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
Solitaire.

How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..

Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1)-None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
2)-Don't bother...just leave it out ..no one will notice
3)-One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4)-One. Five. One. Five...
5)-Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..

Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?"

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Ax Wax)

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! -


What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.


~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100


The Musicians Copyright Notebook Kit - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! - Has example forms already filled in for you by a Copyright lawyer ...


~ Secrets of the Music Biz ~

1. The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to the number of violas in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why instrumental parts are written in transposed pitch. (Especially trumpet parts in E.)

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.

4. The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.

5. You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.

6. A string sample saved is worthless.

7. Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

9. The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "arranging" and "mental illness."

12. People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to listen to yours.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, "ONE LONG LOW SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER, " and this becomes the cue. The next time they need a cue, the computer spits out, "TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A SYNTHESIZER." And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers - - along with TV producers and entertainment lawyers.

14. No group singer is normal.

15. At least once per year, Bill Conti will become very excited and announce that: (1) His producers loved the first theme he played for them; (2) They loved the second theme even more than the first; (3) He has never composed anything they didn't love.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason composers have not achieved, and never will achieve their full potential, that word would be "copyists."

17. The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film "Fantasia" in which they ripped-off Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.

18. The value of a composer's agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.

19. If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger - - Oliver Stone. But John Williams will write the score.

20. You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.

21. A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer, probably John Williams.

22. No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the players shout "Bravo" and applaud) somebody will still find something wrong with your music, and the producer will begin to have doubts. Serious doubts.

23. When musical problems in a film arise and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is the producer's brother-in-law. He is a (budding) composer.

24. Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.

25. Nobody cares if you can't compose music well. Just go ahead and compose. You are sure to succeed... if you suck up to the right person.


Click here for ((( The Practical Guitar Chord and Fretboard Chart )))


How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys uptop singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".


Check out "Dial A Note - Dial Harmony" - Learn or Review Music Theory - Create Harmony - Learn or Review Chord Construction - for Musicians of all Vocal Ranges, Instruments Played, Skill Levels, Genre' or Musical Styles - Learn or review it all at once - or - a little at a time ... whenever you're ready it's all here ...


The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.


~ A Jazz Guitarist's Dilemma! ~

If you have a lot of chops and use them .. you play too many notes

If you don't have a lot of chops ..you don't play enough notes

If you're a high energy player ..you don't play with enough feeling

If you play with lots of feeling you're too sappy

If you like a fat round sound..your sound is too fat

If you thin out your sound..you're sound is too thin

If you play a lot of chordal solo's..why does he play so many chords?

If you chord work is sparce..he doesn't play enough chords.

If you use heavy strings..why does he use such heavy strings?

If you use lighter strings..he should use heavier strings to sound better

If you sit and play..why doesn't he stand?

If you stand why doesn't he sit?

If you smile..what's wrong with him?

If you don't smile..what's wrong with him?

If you play two measures in octaves..Wes was a big influence

If you play more than two measures in octaves..you sound just like Wes

If you like to play "out" what's he doing, can he really play?

If you play " inside". Yeah! But can he really play?

If you play an Archtop ..why does he need such a big guitar

If you play a solid-body that's not a jazz guitar

If you're not a good reader..he can't read

If you're a good reader..why?..some of the best players couldn't read

If you like to dress up and look neat..who does he think he is?

If you don't look neat..he's still a hippie

If you grow a beard..what's he hiding?

If you're clean shaven..he doesn't look like a jazz musician

Finally

You introduce yourself as a jazz guitarist ...

Oh God! Not another guitar player!


~Dr.Ducks Guitar Prescription Radio Show~ **Attn: Guitar Enthusiast ... If you would like Dr. Ducks Guitar Prescription Radio Show to play in your area ... Please contact your local College / Non Profit Radio Station .. ask them to carry the show and tell them Syndication is Immediately Available in Most Areas ... Thanks .. Rock On .. Dr.Duck


Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started goingimprovising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.


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What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1."Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2.Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3.Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4.Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5.None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1.The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2.Who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2.Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3.Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.


Ouch!! You're too old to play gigs when.....

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.

2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.

6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

7. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.

8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.

9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

11. The waitress is your daughter.

12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

15. You refuse to play without earplugs.

16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.

17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

18. Your gig stool has a back.

19. You're related to at least one member in the band.

20. You don't let any one sit in.

21. You need a nap before the gig.

22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.

24. You prefer a music stand with a light.

25. You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.

26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....

27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.

28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.

29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location ...

30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it

31. Your set list is dance able.

32. You think "homey" means cozy and warm

33. You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.

34. You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!

35. Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.

36. Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party...

37. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids...

38. In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.

39. On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.

40. You start listing your truss as a "business expense".

41. You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.

42. When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex co.

43. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!

44. Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..

45. When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

46. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.

47. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to "turn himself up.

48. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

49. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.

50. You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.

52. Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.

53. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.

ROCK ON!!!


(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About The Guitar String Changing Stand / Neck Rest)


How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.None. They can't get that high.
2.Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello,Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1.What's the difference?
2.Who cares?

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Why do musicians tour the most in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! -


What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:
1.Play an accordian--go to jail!
2.Three rows and you're out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.

Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.

Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.

What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.


(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Ax Wax)


A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizingprofusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there." "Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way." A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?" "Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead." So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit." "Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" "Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path. The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.


-A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line-

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)

1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.

2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.

3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

4.Look the other way just before cues.

5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.

6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.

7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.

8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).

9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)

10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.

12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.

14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.

16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.

18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses

The stages of a musician's life:

1.Who is name?

2.Get me name.

3.Get me someone who sounds like name.

4.Get me a young name.

5.Who is name?

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.


"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the members of tonight's
band... in fact any band.


 "On piano____________:

But first a few words about pianists in general, they are
intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and
composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are
usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were
social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with
toy soldiers.

Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk
to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

 

 "On bass we have _____________

Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms
with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing.

During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard
and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for
hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the
bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's
listening.

 

 "On drums____________

Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are
always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or
the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the
many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't
really musicians.

Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most
drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you
decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to
sneak up on him.

 

 "On saxophone______________

Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage.

Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the
Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane
and Bird.

They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through
and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other
people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with
their instruments,  forget to shower, and are mangy.

If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses
about his reeds.

 

 "On trumpet_______________

Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger.
They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very
attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many
of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis
Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive
at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet
game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is
the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player
during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard
Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

 

 "On guitar_________________

Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to
be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear
their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud.

Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once,
but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a
guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts
to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal.

Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer
the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best
reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to
suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask
intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

 

 "Our feature vocalist is the lovely _____________

Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods.
They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering.

They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A
young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day,
a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy."
Voila!

A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and
"Route 66." Her  training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical
terrorism.

Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must
remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to
seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making eye contact,
acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT
FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise
the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you
talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."

 

 "On trombone___________________

     The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality.
"Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody
hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes
become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists
played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to
walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate
trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn
faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because
nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break
and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow
your lawn. "


A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
His name was feedo.

What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A demented chord.

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?

A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.

Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.

Borodin nothing to do!!

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.



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Definitions:

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

ritard: there's one in every family.

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

relative minor: a girlfriend.

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

treble: women ain't nothin' but.

bass: the things you run around in softball.

portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.

conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.

arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

tempo: good choice for a used car.

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.

transpositions:
1.men who wear dresses.
2.An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

cut time:
1.parole.
2.when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.

passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

cadenza:
1.that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
2.The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

clef: what you try never to fall off of.

bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.

altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.

12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.

quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.

sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

bassoon:
1.typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
2.a bedpost with a bad case of gas.

french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! -


cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.

bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.

bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."

audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

accidentals: wronng notes.

augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.

broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.

chansons de geste: dirty songs.

clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.

ducita: a lot of mallards.

estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.

hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.

interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1.Major interval: a long time.
2.Minor interval: a few bars.
3.Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.

intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.

isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.

minnesinger: a boy soprano.

musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

supertonic: Schweppes.

metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

allegro: leg fertilizer.

transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. "Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient. "Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?" "Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient. "Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?" "Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient. "Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist. "Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient. Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?" All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "

Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:
1.There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2.There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two men out, and the Count was full.

(Reprinted without permission from Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO newsletter.)

The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.

Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise." For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute. Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Ax Wax)


Letter from a Guitarist to the "Dear Abby" help column in a newspaper.

Dear Abby

I think my wife is cheating on me.

I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot.

I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.

Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way.

I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs.

He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed.

Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3.

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a technician?

Thanks - Very Concerned.


-Orchestra Personnel Standards-

Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Concertmaster:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

Trumpet Player:
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Bassoonist:
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.

Second Violinist:
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.

Manager:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.

Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God!

 

~The Sideman's By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)~

1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.

2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)

3. If you don't know it, play harmony.

4. Double book, then choose.

5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.

6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.

7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.

8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).

9. Never smile.

10. Always complain.

11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.

12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)

13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.

14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.

15. Always open spit valves over music.

16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.

17. Always worship dead jazz greats.

18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.

19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.

20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.

21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh.

22. Always bum a ride.

23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.

25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?

27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.


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~BLUES RULES:~

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.

10A. Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

10B. Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.

12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.

14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.

Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]

SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS !


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~ News Release ~

CLARKSDALE, MS--Ida Mae Dobbs,longtime woman of Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, called a press conference Tuesday to respond to charges levied against her by the legendary Delta blues singer.

"Despite what Mr. Jackson would have you believe, I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be," Dobbs told reporters. "I repeat: I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be. To the contrary, my lovin' is so sweet, it tastes just like the apple off the tree."

Dobbs, accused of causing Jackson pain and breaking his heart by calling out another man's name, categorically denied treating him in a low-down manner.

"He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around," Dobbs, a brownskin woman, said. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around. Well, the truth is, I do come, but he is out messing with every gal in town."

During the press conference, Dobbs also disputed an Aug. 27 statement made by Jackson, who compared her to a dresser because someone is always going through her drawers.

"My drawers have not been gone through by any man but Willie "Skipbone" Jackson," Dobbs said. "Neither Slim McGee nor Melvin Brown has ever been in my drawers. Nor has Sonny 'Spoonthumb' Perkins, nor any of those other no-good jokers down by the railroad tracks. My policy has always been to keep my drawers closed to everyone but Mr. Jackson, as I am his woman and would never treat him so unkind."

In addition to denying Jackson's drawer-opening allegations, Dobbs disputed charges of unrestricted sweet-potato-pie distribution, insisting that her pie is available only to Jackson.

"I do not give out my sweet potato pie arbitrarily, as I am not the sort of no-good doney who engages in such objectionable behavior," Dobbs told reporters. "Only one man can taste my sweet potato pie, and I believe I have made it perfectly clear who that man is." Dobbs noted that the same policy applies to her biscuits, which may be buttered only by Jackson.

While most of the accusations levied against Dobbs relate to her running around town with other men, she does face one far more serious charge, attempted homicide. On May 5, 1998, Jackson was rushed to the hospital and narrowly escaped death after ingesting nearly five ounces of gasoline. Jackson claimed that Dobbs tried to murder him, serving him a glass of the toxic fuel when he requested water. Dobbs dismissed the episode as "an accident."

Dobbs, a short-dress, big-legged woman from Coahoma County, said it is not she but Jackson who should be forced to defend himself. According to Dobbs, Jackson frequently has devilment on his mind, staying up until all hours of the night rolling dice and drinking smokestack lightning.

"Six nights out of seven, he goes off and gets his swerve on while I sit at home by myself. Then he comes knocking on my door at 4 a.m., expecting me to rock him until his back no longer has any bone," Dobbs said. "Is that any way for a man to treat his woman? I don't want to, but if he keeps doing me wrong like this, I am going to take my lovin' and give it to another man."

Added Dobbs: "Skipbone Jackson is going to be the death of me."

Dobbs said that until she receives an apology from Jackson and a full retraction of all accusations, he will not be given any grinding.

"Mr. Jackson says that I stay out all night and that I'm not talking right. He says he has rambling on his mind as a result of my treating him so unkind. He says I want every downtown man I meet and says they shouldn't even let me on the street," Dobbs said. "Well, I refuse to allow my name to be dragged through the mud like this any longer. Unless my man puts an end to these unfair attacks on my character, I will neither rock nor roll him to the break of dawn. I am through with his low-down ways."


~New Musicians Contract~

Dear Client:

Thank you for engaging _________________(insert ensemble's name here).

Because we know better than you, please, don't tell us what to do, play, wear, or bring. Please, just simply pay us what we ask, and please forgo all the tedious nickel-and-diming you always try to get away with. (You know who you are!)

We want four (4) COMFORTABLE chairs; not folding metal chairs, not splintery ones, and not those cane chairs where the seat is about to fall through.

Preferably padded. No, MUST be padded.

We will not play outside, so don't ask.

We want to be fed. Fed well. The same food your 200 guests eat. What's four more meals, really?

We will not eat sandwiches. Especially not sandwiches on white bread.

And we want to eat at a table. Is that too much to ask? We are not "the help" so please do not treat us that poorly!

Before the engagement, please do not call us. Once we have been hired, that's it...you don't need to talk to us for any other reason.

Please do not call other bands trying to compare prices. We all cost the same. Incidentally, we all wear the same clothes, play the samearrangements, and hire the same people, so it really makes no difference.

Do not make requests for music we don't have. It's just way too much of a pain to cater to your tiny needs. Find a new favorite song. No Andrew Lloyd Webber! Period!!

No song will be transposed down a half-step so your cousin Jeannie can sing it during your candle lighting ceremony. She's not a very good singer anyway.

Forget about The Bride Cuts the Cake, The Hokey Pokey, Alley Cat, The Chicken Dance, etc. These are juvenile songs, we are artists, and we will not degrade ourselves. Furthermore, there is no reason for you to act stupid in front of us.

The garter and bouquet are OK, but do not allow children under 18 years of age to participate (or 12 years old in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi).

Do not allow young children to make requests. The wretched little imps are not as cute as you think they are, and nobody else wants to hear their crummy tunes anyhow.

And finally the answer is no! You can't keep the demo tape. They aren't cheap, you know!

Thank you for using us, and DO call again!

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Ax Wax)


~REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN~

A guitar has a volume knob.
If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one.
You can unplug a guitar.
If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it.
If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set.
You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking.
|You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free.
You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.


~Stuff you just have to know about music ...~

(These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.)

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers.
It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.


Check out "Dial A Note - Dial Harmony" - Learn or Review Music Theory - Create Harmony - Learn or Review Chord Construction - for Musicians of all Vocal Ranges, Instruments Played, Skill Levels, Genre' or Musical Styles - Learn or review it all at once - or - a little at a time ... whenever you're ready it's all here ...


~Actual Titles of Some Country Music Songs:~


- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

- Do You Love As Good As You Look?

- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

- Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

- I Wanna Whip Your Cow

- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In YourWelfare Line

- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me

- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

- May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

- She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

- You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

- You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! -


How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp

How do you get em out?
Throw in a bar of soap

Why are bass players steering wheels so small?
so they can drive with handcuffs on

Why do flys have wings?
to beat the drummers to the trash can.

What do a conductor and a sperm have in common?
only one out of a million work.

There's a deer and a conductor lying dead in the road, whats the difference?
there is skid marks in front ofthe deer.

A drummer and a bass player both fall off a building, who hits the ground first?
who cares.

Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
because no one will look for them.

Why do guitarist make great astronauts?
because all they take up is space in school.

Who won the drummer beauty contest?
nobody.

What do you get when you cross a drummer and an ape?
a retarted ape.

What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life?
second grade.

Why are scientists breeding guitarist instead of rats for science expirements?
because they breed faster and you don't get as attatched to them.

How do you give a drummer a concusion?
smash his head with the toilet seat while he's drinking.

What do you say to a guitarist in a three- piece suit?
will the defendent please rise.

What do you call a bass playing sky diving?
instant air pollution.

What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?
unemployed.

What do you call a building full of guitarist?
jail.


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Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What do you have when a keyboard player is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When guitarist die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a drummer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a guitar player from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of bass players goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Have you heard about the conductors word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a drummer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Where can you find a good drummer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: What do bass players use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a drummer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead guitar player in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a song writer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a talented drummer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the guitar player. Twice.

Q: Do you know what happens when a bass player takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed bass player?
A: - Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do drummers like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do guitar players define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q: How do bass players exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical keyboard player?
A:  All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: What do you do with a lead singer who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: What should you give a keyboard player who has everything?
A: A bass player to show him how to work it.

Q: What's a guitar players idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What's the best way to force a drummer to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent drummer?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Q: What's the smartest thing a guitar player can say?
A: "My wife says..."

Q: Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.

Q: Why do lead singers need instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

 Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


~THE BOOK OF JOBBING~

And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand.

And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, "My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Promised Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime?

Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed thee to Solo on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts?

So why doth thou protest when I call The Slim Dusty Song, or The Peter Allen Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?

And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walking Frames; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from the Far North, as well as those from Western Australia, and from Melbourne; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Function Organiser, and the Master Of Ceremonies; But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader."

And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Function organiser, and he said, "Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil." And he turned to the Master Of Ceremonies, and he said, "I will leave by the Front Entrance"; And he turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;" And he turned to the Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life"

And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours."

And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.


~ Chick Singer Offences ~

 

Singer's name __________________________________
Real name _______________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______

 

Preparation / Equipment Offenses:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15

Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15

Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50

Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75

Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15

Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20

Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25

Lays mic down facing monitor-$50

Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75

Straight arms mic when singing-$15

Drops mic-$10

Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100

Doesn't have set list-$10

Doesn't have keys on set list-$15

Doesn't have original songs charted-$20

 

Singing Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn't know key to songs-$10

Doesn't know when to come in-$15

Modulates without informing band-$20

Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30

Forgets original singer of song-$10

Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30

Gets off key singing acapella-$200

Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30

Sings bad harmonies-$35

Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40

Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25

Forgets to sing bridge-$20

Forgets words-$20

Sings verses out of order in song-$15

Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100

Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20

Looks at pager while singing song-$10

Sings consistently flat-$25

Sings consistently sharp-$25

Sings too softly-$5

Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - No Charge

Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30

Wants to sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100

Thinks that "Poor Pitiful Me" is a new Terri Clark song rather than old

Warren Zevon song-$50

Thinks that "I Will Always Love You" is a new Whitney Houston song instead of

an old Dolly Parton song-$100

"Dolly who?"-$50

"Patsy who?"-$10

 

Stage Presence Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20

Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15

Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25

Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250

Plays tambourine-$10

Plays tambourine out of time-$50

Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over

stage-$25

Plays harmonica solo during song-$100

Tells jokes over mic-$5

Tells bad jokes over mic-$50

Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500

Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35

Argues with band members onstage-$150

Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175

Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200

Gripes at band onstage-$20

Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75

Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15

Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30

Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on

stage-$15

Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60

 

Other Miscellaneous Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late for gig-$30

Dates a musician in the band-$50

Dates the drummer-$150

Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20

Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50

Uses fictitious last name-$50

Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a

STAR"-$20

Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000

Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500


~Chapter 22 : The Temptation of Jaco-Mo~
(How the Bass player became Perpetually Bored.)

1) And it came to pass in the Very Loud Big Band a disgruntlement upon the bassist, Jaco-Mo, which he could no longer abide." I am first to arrive, last to leave and yet receive no more sheckels than the saxophones," he thought unto himself. " "I must toil like a galley slave, pulling a very large oar for the horns, only to receive their scorn, and exhortations to "dig in". "This while they "walk the bar" and play all manner of preening blather, chorus after chorus on "Choo-Choo-Cha-Boogie" and the hated "Caledonia". All this began to chafe on Jaco-Mo in such exceeding fashion that he did stray from the written line and blasphemously "take it out".

2) This provoked an outcry amongst the horns and especially the Female Vocalist Who Could Not Count until finally the Leader did chastise Jaco-Mo, " Lo, you have caused the horns great consternation, and led astray the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count three times on this gig. I have no recourse but to docketh sheckels from your pay."

3) One night after a particularly arduous engagement, Jaco-Mo sat disconsolately at the bar in his tuxedo, the Badge of Shame. Presently, a somewhat seedy character sidled up him."Say man, you want a gig?" He hissed,"It's a trio, man, smoking, play whatever you want, solo on every tune, and we're done at 10 O'clock. C'mon man, lose the monkey suit! Free up, baby! "

4.) And Jaco-Mo was sorely tempted, for he sorely wished to free up and shed The Badge of Shame, and solo on every tune. And so he agreed, and subbeth not his gig with the Very Loud Big Band. "I will surely show them, for I shall be sorely missed, " he thought. "Then they will appreciate the toil of Jaco-Mo."

5.) The time came for Jaco-Mo to make the trio gig and he followed the directions to the club. "This is a very bad part of town,"he said to himself, as he double checked the locks on his conveyance. And the people on the street did look covetously on Jaco-Mo as he made his way up the street with his Bass, perhaps to separate him from it or the brand new turtleneck he had chosen for his raiment.

6.) But the gig was all he had wished for. They played at fantastic tempos no human could dance to, they traded 4's, 8's, 2's, and the like and lo, they did "take it out" repeatedly. All three patrons of the establishment were duly impressed and stayed until the end, one even beseeching Jaco-Mo for a ride home.

7.) Thence came the time of remuneration, and the leader did hand Jaco-Mo but 11 sheckels ($ 4.37 US). As he did so he said," Swingin' baby, you down for Saturday night?"

8.) Jaco-Mo was in a quandary as he walked to his conveyance. He had played what he wished, indeed, "taken it out", but had only enough sheckels for Ramen and perhaps a gallon of gas. As he unlocked his ride he realized his CD Player had been plucked from the dash !

9.) Now Jaco-Mo was miserable, and decided to drop by the Wedding Reception to see how the Very Loud Big Band was doing. At least they would be sorry and beg him to come back. As Jaco-Mo mounted the stairs he heard bass ! Not real bass though, something not of the bass world, but somehow passing for bass. And as he reached the top of the stairs, there was the keyboard player, doing Jaco-Mo 's job with his left hand .

10.) Came the intermission, and the players did disperse to the buffet line , some with their Tupperware hidden beneath the Badge of Shame, that they might avail themselves of the repast at a later date, and avoid Ramen. Jaco-Mo threw himself on the mercy of the Leader, " My conveyance broke down, and I got here as soon as I could", he sputtered dishonestly. "I can start the next set." The Leader, having gone through many bass players, fixed his gaze on Jaco-Mo, and spoke unto him," What's up with the turtleneck?"

11.) The Leader spoke as thunder now, "If thou dost return, Jaco-Mo, do thy swear to not stray again from the printed page? "Yes!," blurted Jaco-Mo weakly ( rent was due). "And thou shalt not lose the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count again ?" "I promise," he groveled , for he did miss his CD player, and wished to be anointed at the buffet line, that he might avoid Ramen. "All right Jaco-Mo , as your penance , go to the Road Case and don the Powder Blue Badge of Shame for the rest of the gig."And as a final warning he said, "Do not cross me again, son, or I will give your gig back to the keyboard player's left hand."

12.) And so Jaco-Mo did once more assume the yoke of duty in the rhythm section, in the Powder Blue Tux. His face became a blank mask of perpetual boredom, whether The Female Singer Who Could Not Count was smiling at him, (for he never lost her again),or the horns scornfully exhorted him to "dig in. "Jaco-Mo learned the hard way : It is better to eat than "take it out! Amen?


The Harmony Wheel ... the ultimate resource to learn or review all aspects of music theory, no matter your instrument played, skill level or musical style. No music reading is necessary to use the "Harmony Wheel" Unique "Color-CODED" Sections for EASY use.


~Noah and the Band~

And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him. "Noah, awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"

And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hast Thou wakened me?" And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band" "For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets." And Noah did say, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?'

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou wilt be my Contractor. Ask not why!" And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?" And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?" And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all Payments." "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore." And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, Thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find Me a Rhythm Section. "First, find me a Drummer. and three things above all must this Drummer possess." And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?" And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, "Second-guess Me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. "And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. "And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. "Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, great is Thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing "Old Time Rock n' Roll". Also shall he not know The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. "And his tux shall be the Rattiest." And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. "First shall be the Saxophones. And ye shall know them as Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when "In The Mood" is called.

"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing.

"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band."

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. 'And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?" "And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. "And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. "And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'n Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, And the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, And forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. "And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, " As Thou sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you're at it, start looking for Subs." And Noah did say, "Lord, Thy will be done." And it was.


The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


~Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians~

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard -- There's one in every family

Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

Bass -- The things you run around in softball

Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

Cut Time-- Parole

Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

High C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie

Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! - .


~THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FROM THE PERCUSSIONIST'S PERSPECTIVE~

Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM,CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH
O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &
1...2...3...
2...2...3...
3...2...3...
4...2...3...
5...2...3...
6...2...3...
7...2...3...
8...2...Oh,
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


~THE GUITAR PLAYER CHILI TASTER~

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was playing a gig in Texas:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon right after doing 5 sets of hardcore country rock with 3 encores when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual. And besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

 


~EXPRESSIONS TO AVOID During A Recording Session~
(From Steely Dan's Web Site)

1.Ready, Freddie (pronounced red-eye fred-eye)
2.Bingo, gringo
3.Uno, Bruno
4.The phones sound O.K. but I need more of myself
5.We won't need a click
6.I like what you're trying to do but not the way you're doing it
7.An excellent first attempt
8.Was that the sound you had on the demo?
9.Make the click louder
10.That was a pretty good take for this time of night
11.If you want the tempo any brighter than that, we better wait for a sunny day
12.No dynamics? We're playing as loud as we can
13.I think that's a pretty good sounding take for what were getting paid..
14.That was great, let's do it again
15.Is that about as tight as you boys want to get it?
16.Is it possible the click is speeding up?
17.I'm at the point where I'm making dumb mistakes - before I was making much smarter mistakes
18.So many drummers, so little time
19.Why don't we do the double first and the lead will be easier to get once we've got the double
20.I never had this problem when I was being produced by Lenny and Russ
21.We got some things, we need some things
22.Fabulous
23.Punch in at the section
24.You can't make ice cream out of shit
25.You can't polish a turd
26.Just let your spirit soar
27.My spirit's already sore from the last thirty takes...
28.Close
29.Less is more
30.Less is Paul
31.Less is Brown
32.Less is less
33.That's the way I've been playing it all along
34.I just wish I could get a whole band that sounds as good as I do
35.This will be a great opportunity for me to show off my chop
36.Let's hear the bass, if you can call it that
37.Play something Paul would tell Linda to play
38.Does your amp have an underdrive channel?
39.You can erase that one, I remember exactly what I played
40.We'll catch that in the mix
41.You guys can fix that in Soundtools, right?
42.I brought my kid along, he's never been in a recording studio before
43.My girlfriend sings great background vocals
44.I know a great drummer
45.You guys want to try some heroin?
46.Your girlfriend's been in the bathroom a long time
47.Please, man, stay away from my faxes, okay?
48.I'm not going to be any more dishonest with you than I am with Donald
49.I'd like a little more of a live feeling on this tune.
50.I also play eleven other instruments
51.Sorry I'm late, I just got through with my blood test (or CAT scan)
52.That vocal's not a keeper is it?
53.That's how I wrote it but that's not how I like to play it
54.I can't think of any improvements that won't make it worse
55.That ground loop is a trademark thing for me
56.That's the new old comp from today - I want to hear the new old comp from last Tuesday
57.That reverb would sound a lot better if it were coming out of a piece of MY GEAR
58.How bout we get rid of these 3M machines and get ourselves a frozen yogurt machine
59.Roz Shrank on line one for you
60.Skunk called, he's on his way down
61.The frozen yogurt machine is broken
62.When was the last time we worked together? Tonight.



~36 RULES FOR BANDS:~

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.\
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.("and/or lead singers!" -Timbo)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

So, how many have YOU broken?


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! - Avoid Copyright forms being rejected that weren't filled out properly - the "The Ultimate Musicians Do-It-Yourself Copyright Notebook" has example forms already filled in by a copyright attorney. We show you how to Copyright one song at a time or an entire compilation of many songs for the same price as copyrighting just one. How To File Both PA's and SR's On One Form For The Same Price As Just One - the example forms already filled in can be used as a guide... everything you need to copyright your songs - whether your music is written or recorded ... ask your lawyer what it would cost to copyright just one song...


~A Definition of the Orchestra~

The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.

Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.

Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions -- their instruments -- so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.

String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully ... or often.

Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.

Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.

Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each section.

The woodwinds:

Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.

English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.

Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.

It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers -- the instruments as well as the players -- and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.

Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports card. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.

Let's continue now with the real truth about ... the strings.

We begin with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.

The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They were shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.

People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won't end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.

Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?

Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind layers into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right - harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.

Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.

The brass:

Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.

Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.

The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.

The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.

And finally -- the percussion.

These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.

And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds ... if anything.


Check out "Dial A Note - Dial Harmony" - Learn or Review Music Theory - Create Harmony - Learn or Review Chord Construction - for Musicians of all Vocal Ranges, Instruments Played, Skill Levels, Genre' or Musical Styles - Learn or review it all at once - or - a little at a time ... whenever you're ready it's all here ...


~Great Lies of The Music Business~

 

The booking is definite

Your check's in the mail

We can fix it in the mix

This is the best dope you've ever had

The show starts at 8

My agent will take care of it

I'm sure it will work

Your tickets are at the door

It sounds in tune to me

Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall

I know your mic is on

I checked it myself

The roadie took care of it

She'll be backstage after the show

Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo

The stage mix sounds just like the program mix

It's the hottest pickup I could get

The club will provide the PA and lights

I really love the band

We'll have it ready by tonight

We'll have lunch sometime

If it breaks, we'll fix it for free

We'll let you know

I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up.

The place was packed

We'll have you back next week

Don't worry, you'll be the headliner

It's on the truck

My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album

Someone will be there early to let you in

I've only been playing for a year

I've been playing for 20 years

We'll have flyers printed tomorrow

I'm with the band

The band drinks free

You'll get your cut tonight

We'll supply someone for the door

You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car

There'll be lots of roadies when you get there

It's totally compatible with your current program

You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck

This is one of Jimi's old Strats

We'll definitely come to the gig

You can depend on me


What do you call a good flute section?
Impossible

What do you get when you cross a piccolo with a clarinet?
An earache

How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make
the entrance.

Definition of a flute, according to David W. Barber in his book A Musician's Dictionary:

"A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred hards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be dismantled into three small pieces, for easy concealment."


~Things For Flautists to Do When They're Bored:~

1.Pull out or push in so much that you're either a half step sharp or flat. Then tell everyone you invented a new key of the flute.

2.If you have an open hole flute, play only covering the holes half way.

3.Finger really low C and try to get the altissimo (the really high) C out.

4.Try to figure out a trill fingering for the really high C to the really high D, on a piccolo.

5.Blow through your flute with all the holes closed and pretend you're Darth Vadar

6.If you're 1st Chair, start talking in German or Russian and kick everyone out of the section.

7.If you're not 1st Chair, make a list of atrocities and a declaration of independance, rally support from other flautists, and attempt a hostile takeover of your section.

8.Listen to a recording of a professional flautist and search for a small mistake. Then make a 90 min. tape of just that mistake, over and over again.

9.Also if you're 1st Chair, come into a song 3 measures early and laugh at the people who follow you.

10.Count your rests out loud while performing a solo.

11.When someone calls you a flutist, correct them and say you are a "flautist". Then when they call you a flautist, say the correct term is "flutist". Keep this up with the same person for a year.

12.Finger low D on a piccolo, cover the hole with your pinkie, then suck all the air out. Take all your fingers off except your pinkie....the keys stay down! (Well, now you're stuck with a piccolo attached to your tongue--press the Ab key to open the vacuum)

13.Play your flute into a box fan.

14.Find the most beautiful song you can, and add three flats (or remove 3 sharps)

15.Blow into the tonehole like you would a brass instrument, fingering any of the low octave notes. In order for the sound to begin to come out, play something like "D, E, F, G, A". Once you get it, it has a really weird sound-almost like a bad, extremely flat clarinet! It should sound like .....

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


* Let There Be Bass *

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged.  And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.


Why is the Horn called the divine instrument?
Because man blows in but only God knows what's coming out!

What is the difference between a Horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.

How many Horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.


A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a Horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"


What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player?
TWO MEASURES !


A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the hornplayer: "If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future, I have good news and I have bad news for you."

"That's a deal", the horn-player says.

"Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!"

"Woooooow!!" the hornplayer screams, "that's great!"

"Yeah," the fish says, "but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!"



Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight... you got a problem with that!?!

Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman.

Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun?
A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles


You're a Real Musician When:

You realize that the cheers from the audience after a particularly difficult passage are for a sports play on the big screen TV over the bar, and that in fact, no one is listening to you.

When the gig you drove 200 miles for to make $100, and had to pay for a hotel room, is later referred to as your "summer tour".

When your most sincere, heartfelt comments are made by people that are drunk and who won't remember you in the morning.

When you are repeatedly told that the lead singer who can't read, never practices and has been singing for only six months is "The strongest part of the band", primarily because she has big tits.

When you are pleased that the pay for the gig, when looked at hourly from the time you leave your house to when you return meets minimum wage.

When someone comes up to you to tell you how much they love your playing, because they didn't think anyone played those things anymore.

You get to the gig to find out that nothing is comped, and you're charged $10 to park.

When someone seeks you out to complement your playing as the "best sax player they have ever heard", and you're the trumpet player.

When you realize that a small piece of equipment- such as a wireless mike you need- will take months of weekly gigs to pay for.

When you have to add $30 or $40 out of your pocket to find a sub, cause no one will cover you for what you are paid.

You aren't offended when all of the young wedding guests leave after the second set to dance to the DJ at a club down the street.

When you are told that you must play until the very end of when you were contracted for, when your only audience is the bartender, and you're being paid 40 or 50 bucks for the night.

When the bandleader or club owner wants to pay you in food or drinks, and you have $100,000 in school loans to pay off for that music degree.

When the guy collecting money at the door for the band's performance makes twice over the course of the evening what you do as one of the band members.

When as a member of a blues band you no longer even pretend to smile when asked to play "Free Bird".

When you know that other musicians who routinely claim they don't work for less than $100 a night only work a few times a year.

When people who are drunk tell you that what you are doing is absolutely great and the best thing thing they have ever seen or heard, but refuse to pay more than $5 at the door.

When someone calling the cops for noise is a good thing. You get to go home early and you still get paid.

When you realize that asking women out that you meet on gigs doesn't work, for now they know you're a musician.

When you get invited to play the same gig the following year, which means that you don't have tear down after this year's gig.

When you have, for several years, been paid the same amount for a gig, but are afraid to say anything about it for fear that you might lose the gig.

When you spend more on the bar tab than you get paid for the gig.

When you finally have to resort to playing Proud Mary in order to get the audience dancing.


Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."


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Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."-- Rossini

"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."-- Mark Twain

"A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."

"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A: A demented chord.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"

When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!"

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
A: "Hey man, I just do sound."
A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
A: Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.


~Proposed Country-Western song titles:~

"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"

"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"

"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"

"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"

"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"

"I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town"

"You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out"



~Musical Horoscopes~

Flutes: If you are a flute player then you're probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.
Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players.

 

Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.


Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets.

 

Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The "requirements" of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues.
Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones.

 

Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, "wild", open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose.

 

Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.

 

Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK! But saxophones are your nightmare.


French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple tonguing your concert solo........ French horns........ our hats off to you. Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made your day.
Compatibility: Who wouldn't love ya?!


Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master, and if you've played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players, so don't even try.
Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns.


Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart, out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we're sorry, the baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones, they just don't know it. Keep your senses keen! Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK.

 

Tubas: If you play this "umpa, umpa" then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, "wild" and open minded. Congratulations, you've strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.
Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn't advised and the wood winds hate you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the trumpets, or percussionist.


Percussionist:
Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director, so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director's child, then I'm sorry, I can't help you there, I'm only a web page provider. :) Compatibility: Who knows?


A senile old man started walking through town everyday in hopes of seeing interesting new things...

On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, "That's interesting. I'll go back home now."

The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. "That's enough for today", he said.

The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. He said to himself, "okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!"


Why can't you hear a soprano on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

You've been playing the saxophone for too long if ... you can name the different types of saxophones all 18 of them in ascending order of size you start calling it your baby you start giving it a name and a last name and a middle name and a baptismal name you know its birthday as well as the time it was "born" and celebrate that with a countdown and party you can actually breath in and out at the same time your favourite artistes are Kenny G, Lisa Simpson, that Muppets dude and the Pink Panther

Why can't sax players play punk music?
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?

A saxophonist comes home late from a gig... Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in. When she looks inside she sees two saxes.

What's the last thing a saxophonist says in a band?
"Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"


A man has been trapped on an island for several years when he sees a small wake in the water. After a time, a lovely lady scubadiver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, " You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?"

While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar.

She gazes into the now-smoking man's face and whispers, "and how long has it been since you have had a real drink"?

Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy.

As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, "And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?"

The man scrambles to his feet and yells "Oh my gosh, you don't really have a SAXOPHONE in there do ya?"

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


Why do sax players wear their neckstraps around?
So they can get disability discounts.

What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.


One day Timmy came home from school very excited... "Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player."

The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"

"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player."

On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?"

"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."


Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.

The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.

When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.


Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire, one a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor and the other a horn player.

The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring "I just killed the king of beers!".

The trumpet player, not wanting to be outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares "Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!".

The horn player, ever so suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says "Guys, it just doesn't get any better than this.".


What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.


When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles


At a social club fellowship-cum-meeting in India, a band was invited to play. During the meeting the president announced: "Now there will be a collection for charity. Those who volunteer to donate Rs. 50/- please stand." Not a single one responded, so the president called on the band to play the National Anthem. Everybody stood up & the total collection was Rs. 6000/-.



Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.

On a flight recently, a friend of ours decided to start a conversion with his seatmate. "I've got a great Tuba joke," he began. "Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a tubist." Replied his neighbor.

That's okay. I'll tell it real slow!"

 

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.


~Top Ten Uses For Tubas ~

#10. A musical instrument.

# 9. A floatation device.

# 8. Something flute players can't keep their hands off.

# 7. A mirror.

# 6. Punishment. (freshmen + Kieth carry heavy tubas all year)

# 5. A battering ram

# 4. A chair.

# 3. Babe Magnet

# 2. Trash Can (freshmen + Kieth's tubas)

# 1. Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!!


An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist.
To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already".
The tubist: "How should I know that?".
The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?".
The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"

How do you raise the town's IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.

How do you tune two tubas?
You shoot one!


~ Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba~

10. It's better than playing bagpipes.

9. When you play, people listen.

8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.

7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.

6. People hold doors open for you.

5. You don't have to wear those silly hats.

4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.

3. You can say "Here comes Niagra..." right before emptying your

tuning slide.

2. You'll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.

1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!!


How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.

A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk. He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender says it's down the hall and on the left. The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right.

When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner. The man thinks "This place has really got class what with the gold toilet." So the man does his duty and goes home.

The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets. The bartender puts down the receiver and yells, "HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!"


A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player. She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend: The date was alright but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible, I don't think I'll go out with him again.

The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend. She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery, and she wouldn't date him again.

The next night she dates a french horn player. Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied "Well, his kiss wasn't any better than the others, but I like the way he held me!


Why aren't tubas used in country/western bands?
Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!


A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."


~Math for Musicians~

1.    Betty is tired of paying for clarinet reeds.  If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual funds (yielding 8.7%) before she is fired from her job?

2.    Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months, and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation:  (Total days in the orchestra)=x .000976.  Assuming that he stopped practicing altogether six months ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

3.    Wilma plays in the second violin section but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians.  The probability of her making a negative comment is 4:7 for any given musician, and 16:17 for conductors.  If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also  musicians?

4.   Horace is the General Manager of a symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year.  Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven, or Brahms in the next ten years?

5.    Susan plays in the viola section.  Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra.  If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

6.    Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps without making an inordinate number of mistakes.  Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection.  What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

7.    Ralph loves to drink coffee.  Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer.  How much longer is Ralph going to live?

(Click Here To See What Folks Are Saying About Dr.Duck's Guitar Strings)


David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ' how did things go for you back on earth?' David says, 'not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.' 'Great', says St Peter, 'what was it you did while you were alive?' ' Oh I was in Real estate.' 'Good oh, come on in' says the St.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. 'yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in.

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. 'yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.' 'Oh well', says St P. 'and which band was it that you played with?'


Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'.

The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'.

The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'.

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'

The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'

'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!'


~FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: ~

A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"

"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat.

The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen"



Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream

Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.

Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless.

Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.

Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A - Drunk and late......... as usual

Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unision.

Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A - Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q - How do you make him stop?
A - Put notes on it.

Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A - Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better."

Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A - His amplifier.

Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A - Counterpoint.

Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A - Pick on someone your own size!

Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
A - Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A - Depends on how far you throw it.

Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - At least 2000: one to change the bulb and 1999 to insist how much
better they could've done it!


Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.

The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.

The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, withaverage I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how hightaxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.

The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?"


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand

Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice

One, but the guitarist has to show him first

Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light

One. Five. One. Five


A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations.

After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?"

The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass..."


A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"

"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string."

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?"

"Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"


A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was.

"That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes."

"So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager.

"He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist.


What's the difference between Rock music and a machine gun?
The machine gun only repeats 10 times per second.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To escape the Heavy Metal Music.


Check out "Dial A Note - Dial Harmony" - Learn or Review Music Theory - Create Harmony - Learn or Review Chord Construction - for Musicians of all Vocal Ranges, Instruments Played, Skill Levels, Genre' or Musical Styles - Learn or review it all at once - or - a little at a time ... whenever you're ready it's all here ....


~Top Ten Items On The Country Music Singer Application~

10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong

9. Ever nailed a Judd?

8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass?

7. Spell "dagnabbit"

6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: "George Straight" or "Dixie Chicks"?

5. Complete the following sentence -- "Hee ______!"

4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck

3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead -- which Statler Brother would it be?

2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with "truck"

1. Chaw?


~Why Guitars are better than Men: ~

Guitars don't snore.

Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.

Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.

Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.

You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.

Guitars don't have to prove anything.

Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.

Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.

Guitars don't have egos.

You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.

Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.

Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash
on its fretboard.      


~Why guitars are better than women: ~

You can share your Guitar with your friends.

Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played

Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.

Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.

Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.

Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.

Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.

Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.

You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a
movie, or meet its mother.


What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
Laughing at 'em.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you know when the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither have I.

How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.


~THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...~

Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?
Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom.
Checkmate!
Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!!
Why is there porno in the VCR?
Can you believe all the money we're getting?
Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
No thanks, I don't want another beer.
Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.


Time Magazine quotes Milli Vanilli "singer" Rob Pilatus as saying, "musically, we're more talented than any Bob Dylan or Paul McCartney. Mick Jagger can't produce a sound. I'm the new Elvis." (2-27-1990)


Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.

He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

 

 

 

You sure you want to know?

 

 

 

 

O.K. You asked for it......

 

 

 

 

"Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(ouch !!! ...sorry bout that one ...)


The Musicians Copyright Notebook - © Industry Secrets Revealed !! -


~From The Console Operators Union~

Before you ask the Console operators your question(s), please read the common answers to the questions below.

1. We do not take requests or do dedications.

2. Yes we do know what all these knobs do and no we don't have the time to tell you. That also means you can't touch them.

3. Yes we talk to the band and no we can't take notes or messages to them. This does also mean that you can't meet them without the appropriate pass which we don't keep or get.

4. The small console is lighting and the big ones are sound.

5. The sound man is hired to mix the show, please don't tell him how to do his job. He doesn't come to your place of employment and telly ou how to do your job.

6. We don't know where we're going to be tomorrow. Buy the tourbook or t-shirt which contains the tour info.

7. Some people go to school for this job & some don't. We have been in this industry for about 25 years not combined. There are a number of different ways to get into this industry, which we don't have time to go into right now.

8. No, this is not necessarily the coolest job.

9. For any other questions please submit them in written form and we will do our best to reply to them.

We thank you for your understanding in dealing with this issue.

Thank you & Have a nice evening

The Console Operators Union


~The Top 14 Songs on the New 'N Sync CD~

14 "You're Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren't You?"

13 "The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend"

12 "Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don't Look Big to Me"

11 "Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog"

10 "A Personal Love Song for You -- Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You're 12 Years-Old and Live in a Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!"

9 "I'll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)"

8 "If You Buy Two, We'll Love You Twice As Much!"

7 "Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever"

6 "You Should Buy This CD -- Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She'll Be More Popular Than You"

5 "Nobody Understands You, So Let's Get Freaky!"

4 "Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You're Old Enough to Get a Learner's Permit)"

3 "Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls"

2 "The Backstreet Boys Think You're Homely"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song on the New 'N Sync CD...

1 "What's Up, A-Cup?"

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